I read a recent article in the paper about calls for restrictions on Medicare access to IVF subsidies for older women the other day and it made me think about my journey to and through IVF.
Fertility Challenges
In an earlier post I wrote about the year my fertility challenges began. That was when I was 24 and I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, a.k.a dormant ovaries. At 24 years old I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. There were so many other things I was busy doing and being, besides I had not met ‘Mr Right’. I’m aware that there are plenty of single mums out there doing amazing things – hats off to you! – I only knew that wasn’t a path that I was willing or able to take on my own.
My mantra was:
‘No eggs, no sperm, no way! That’s too hard!’
It took me a long time to make peace with the ‘no eggs’ part. In fact, I can safely say that it was many years before I was willing to own that statement. Today I can talk about it without a trace of pain or suffering. Back then, I would be in tears even thinking about it. I mean how could you go for almost 12 years being very regular and predictable to being told that you have no more eggs, too bad, get over it! No one could tell me why and that jarred. There were so many questions that couldn’t be answered. Why did my ovaries give up? Couldn’t they start back up again, like I believed that they could? Why couldn’t I be ‘fixed’?
One of the more challenging parts was the ‘get over it’ bit. Doctors who said “just get egg donation, you’re still young, you’ll be fine”. They didn’t seem to know how to handle the emotions that were roaring at the idea that my body was not behaving as I thought it should. Nor did they seem to want to. I was put into a box of requiring egg donation, your only option, and that was that.
I dutifully went to see a psychotherapist as I was told to. She was great however what really came into focus during those sessions were the elements of my life that weren’t working, which had nothing to do with my cycle or lack thereof.
Acceptance of my body’s inability to reproduce
At that stage we did not work through the subject of using donated eggs. That in and of itself is a huge topic, worthy of its own blog post. To put it simply, it took years and years for me to gain acceptance of the fact that biologically I will never reproduce a mini-me. My genes won’t get passed on and if I want any children it has to happen with help.
It took a lot of self-analysis, introspection, and bucket loads of emotional ‘work’ to get to the place where it no longer mattered what my body could or couldn’t do naturally. I credit kinesiology for helping me to let go of my strangle-hold on “the way I thought it should be”.
What really matters to me now is the opportunity to be a mother and parent along with a man that I adore. Who came into my life when I believe I was really ready for him.
My message for women going through IVF
If only one woman who is going through multiple cycles of IVF reads this and is impacted than I will be pleased. If that is you, I want to give you this message. Please be willing to look into your emotional state and dive deep. Be willing to brave your demons and explore how you feel about what you are going through. How you feel about your body letting you down when you always thought that reproduction was your birthright.
There are people out there wanting to support you in a way that the clinic you are going to cannot. See a kinesiologist, see a counsellor, see a psychotherapist, anyone who can help you dig through your emotional state to find balance.
Today, I only just squeak into the under 40’s range at 39. The reported live birth success rate for 40-45 year old women is 6%. I’m not sure if any of these stats take into account women attempting to use their own eggs or donated eggs, it’s not very clear. I received donated eggs and can happily say that after all the struggle and challenges I’ve been through, I am pregnant from my first IVF cycle.
I can assume you that without the emotional work and processing that I did, I would not be here writing this as I prepare to be a mother late this year.