Miscarriage is such a hard subject to broach. Women who have experienced miscarriage often don’t talk about it.
That may be because you feel as though it’s too painful, you are still deeply grieving or you feel as though others just want you to get on with life and that feels impossible.
I’ve created the Healing Angel Mums method to support you to release your grief and unhelpful emotions while still honouring your lost baby and the experience you shared, if only for a little while.
If you want to find a place of peace after a miscarriage and make space for your rainbow baby in your life, this is for you.
You can set yourself free from the past while still honouring your baby.
“Bianca … was one of very few people willing to lean into the intensity of my grief, and also helped shift it so quickly, gently and respectfully”.
If you feel like this could be perfect for you, send me a message and I’ll let you know how it works.
Recently, I’ve been hearing about women who have big misconceptions about what IVF involves.
One person I spoke with said that before she met with a specialist, she thought that IVF would be one little needle every now and then and that was it for medications.
So in this post I want to give you an overview of what a basic IVF cycle or round looks like. I won’t go into the specifics but please know that it is a LOT more than just a little needle every now and then!
This overview doesn’t include anything additional and is just an overview to give you an idea of what to expect.
(Source: pixabay)
Step 1: Initial Appointments.
You will meet with your Fertility Specialist (FS). There may be multiple meetings during this step of the process. You will go through your medical history and anything relevant to your and your partner’s health. Together with the FS you will come up with a treatment plan, ask any questions that you have and complete any required paperwork.
Step 2: Your Treatment Starts.
You will be given lots of medications to take. Usually you are given a calendar or timeline to follow. For example during my first donor egg cycle I took 9 different medications/supplements over approximately a 3 month process. You or your partner will be taught how to give you any injections.
Step 3: Follicles Are Stimulated.
(If your own eggs are being used)
You will be given FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) to stimulate the growth of follicles – which contain immature eggs.
Step 4: Monitoring.
You will have blood tests and ultrasounds multiple times to measure your hormone levels and when applicable (if using your own eggs) to monitor the growth of your follicles.
Step 5: Trigger.
(If your own eggs are being used)
You will be given a Trigger Injection (HCG – human chorionic gonatrophin) to trigger ovulation – eggs to be released.
Step 6: Egg Collection/Retrieval (ER).
This occurs approx 36-38 hours after your Trigger. The retrieval process is fairly short – up to around 30 minutes – although you will likely be at the day surgery for 3-4 hours. Your partner gives their sperm sample for fertilisation at the same time. The sperm needs to be kept at body temperature.
Step 7: Egg Fertilisation.
The eggs are put into a special medium. The sperm is washed, separating it from the seminal fluid. In standard IVF the sperm and egg are put together in a dish to naturally fertilise. In ICSI – Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection – individual sperm is injected into an egg. You will usually be told how many eggs were retrieved.
Step 8: Monitoring.
The sperm and egg/s are placed into an incubator at 37C (body temperature) and checked regularly for fertilisation. Depending on your clinic’s protocols you will usually get a daily update – how many eggs fertilised initially, and then how many have grown into embryos. Expect these numbers to fall. They will be given between 3 and 6 days to grow before they are transferred.
Step 9: Transfer.
The embryo/s are transferred into your uterus with a catheter.
Step 10: Embryo Freeze.
Any excess viable embryos are frozen for the future. You will need to already have decided if you will freeze them individually or in multiples.
Step 11: Beta.
This is your pregnancy blood test. What you have been hoping and praying for. Approximately 2 weeks after Transfer. You will have your beta HCG tested to find out if you are pregnant.
Step 12: Repeat Betas.
To determine if your pregnancy is progressing you will have a number of beta blood tests to ensure that your HCG is rising. Normally it doubles every 2 to 3 days.
Step 13: Confirming Ultrasound.
Also called a Dating Scan. At around 7 weeks you usually have your first ultrasound where the radiologist is looking for a sac with a foetus, a heartbeat and to make sure the foetus is in your uterus.
(Source Advanced Fertility)
What Else To Expect
You can also expect some of the following:
It is likely that you will be emotional at times. This is you on a heap of meds and your hormonal rhythm will be massively impacted.
There is A LOT of waiting that you need to do. Find distractions. Make a decision whether or not you will use home tests during the Two Week Wait.
Ideally make peace with any outcome that may arise. No one has a crystal ball that can tell you whether you will or won’t be successful in any cycle. It’s really beyond our comprehension as there is more to life than just the physical nature of an egg and sperm. So the sooner you can make peace with whatever may be, the sooner you can go through any IVF cycle feeling balanced and peaceful and accepting what is.
I’m taking a different tack today and want to write about something that has been causing me dramas recently. Social media. I find it easy to get sucked into this black hole.
For me that social media platform is Facebook. For you, it could well be one of the plethora of other sites and platforms that are available – Insta, Twitter, LinkedIn, you get the picture.
So, what’s the problem? Minute stretch into hours and I’ve done nothing useful at all. I’ve got two little kids who take up a lot of my time (as at writing) so I often only get short little snippets of time throughout a standard day. And it’s so easy to jump onto my preferred platform for a few minutes here and there. Then I’ve lost so much useful time in my day. Sound familiar?
It gets trickier when you need to use said platform to connect with people for business.
So how do you go about unwinding the addiction? *
Work out where you are using the platform. Is it from your phone, computer, laptop, tablet, some other fancy device I don’t know about?
Delete the app from your phone/device that you use it from most often. Yes it’s hard to do and you will miss it. It’s much easier to not open it when it’s not there.
Do not reinstall! Easier said than done, I know! But don’t do it!
Install a feed blocker on your computer or laptop. Which one you choose depends on a number of things. Which platform is it? Which operating system do you use (Apple, Windows)? What browser type do you use (Chrome, Firefox, Safari etc)? For example if you are using Facebook on a Mac laptop or desktop – install a feed blocker. Newsfeed Eradicator (Chrome extension), Feedless (Apple store) are a couple of options available
If you are on a Mac you could install SelfControl and get some data on how much time you are spending on different apps and websites. Look for other options for Windows users.
Search online to find the best feed blocker for your circumstances from the questions above.
Have you been through the emotional toll of IVF? If so you will likely relate to what I’m saying. The emotional toll is where the burden really lies for parents-to-be in the world of infertility and IVF. Although the linked article is a little outdated, I believe research would continue to show the same thing.
“ONE in five couples who give up fertility treatment do so because of the psychological and physical burden of the process, rather than the expense, according to a major study of assisted reproductive technology.” (Source: Sydney Morning Herald)
The Path To Emotional Peace
If you are currently undergoing an IVF cycle, you may not want to hear this. My partner and I decided that to even consider IVF at all we had to be okay with it not working. We had to accept that even if it didn’t work we would still be strong as a couple and continue to love and support each other. No matter the outcome. This is accepting and working through the emotional toll of IVF.
Being 100% okay with whatever happens. If you want a girl and you get a boy or vice versa. Or if you – I sincerely hope not- have a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. I believe you have to be completely okay with that. What do I mean? Of course you will grieve. Of course you may struggle to get through days after such as experience. I’m not meaning to suggest that you wouldn’t have an intense emotional response. Being completely okay means that you accept the situation and are okay with it. You are not dragged to the depths of despair because you didn’t get a healthy child via your IVF cycle. You went in with eyes wide open and knew that there was a possibility that it wouldn’t work.
In many respects it was a lot more challenging for my partner to accept that having children was not going to be a walk in the park. Long before we considered IVF together, he had to make peace with the awareness that choosing me as a partner meant there was a possibility there would be no children in our lives. And he had to be 100% okay with that. I had known about my fertility challenges for a long time (12 years). I had a lot of time to move towards acceptance.
Working Through Emotions
When you find out that you can’t conceive naturally there are a ton of emotions to deal with. Obviously everyone is different but for me the emotions ranged from denial, anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and resentment. I questioned my worthiness, I questioned why I had survived major brain surgery and if this was the price to pay for my survival. I railed against the people who dropped babies like rain falling from the sky. It felt so damn unfair!
I was told to go and get counselling and that was where I started. Over the decade that followed I began to explore personal development. I wanted to understand why I was here if pro-creation wasn’t the natural order for me. I had to come up with a purpose, when being a mum might not happen for me. It was really tough. Don’t let my glib words fool you into thinking it was easy. There were some really rough days and intense sessions where I had to dig deep within myself. I’m still not completely sure of my purpose!
Soul Searching
I spent a lot of time soul searching and defining what a life of purpose would look like, even if I didn’t find the man of my dreams (that’s another blog post!) or create the family that I desired. Especially as so much of what I believed success in our modern world was defined by. I saw a nuclear family as the definition of success and happiness. It might not be what other people define as successful, but it’s been my biggest dream to be a mum (and have a life partner to share that journey with).
Over the course of many years I did make peace with these negative emotions. It doesn’t need to take as long as I took. However, I am not one to take the easy route. Perhaps that’s because I make life hard for myself. But as you will see below I wasn’t interested in choosing a partner that was just alright. And I wasn’t willing to go it alone – as you can tell from this blog post here.
Give Yourself Space
The point of this post is to suggest that you give yourself time. Even if your biological clock is ticking, I believe uncovering and healing any repressed emotions is crucial. Ideally before you begin a cycle. I believe doing this work is essential to being the best parent that you can be. Otherwise if you are holding onto a huge amount of repressed emotions you are going to pass them onto your children. Children are sieves and pick up everything, consciously or not from you. Although we can never completely heal everything in our past, we can surely be the best possible versions of ourselves. That, to me, means whittling away the strong negative reactions we have to past events in our lives. These reactions often shape our behaviour in the present, often without us even knowing it.
Additionally, there are so many emotions wrapped around what is considered our birth right. To pro-create, to have babies, to pass on our genes. Shouldn’t that be the easiest thing in the world? And it doesn’t help when well-meaning family and friends ask “when will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?”. Like, c’mon, do you think we haven’t considered this, or perhaps we just don’t want children. If you really DO want children it is insensitive and adds to the pressure that you feel.
There is so much hope tied up in fertility treatment. So much that you have zero control over. I had a failed cycle where everything was seemingly perfect -embryo, my lining, my oestrogen levels. It should have all worked perfectly. And it didn’t. For whatever reason the timing wasn’t right for baby. It’s really not my choice, it’s up to the child coming through to select its perfect time.
The Child Chooses
I believe that your child chooses the time to come through. We might think that we have complete control but really, life is the miracle so many religions say it is. Even the best IVF clinic can only set the scene to a certain extent. It’s still up to that little embryo to implant and grow, grow, grow. And so for me, I made peace with that little embryo deciding that the time wasn’t right. Perhaps this little one wants a different birthday to the one that we had chosen. Accepting and surrendering is how I find peace.
Being An IVF Couple
There is a HUGE toll for any person or couple undergoing IVF that other people don’t really understand. If they haven’t experienced it, there can be little empathy and often zero understanding of the pain and heartache involved. For women that have gotten pregnant at the drop of a hat, maybe they can’t understand what all the drama is about.
The drama is that you can’t have this thing that so many other people seem to take for granted. You grow up taking it for granted: I can be a mother/father. You spend teenage years avoiding it like the plague. And then years wondering what your life would have been like if you had gotten pregnant as a teenager. That may sound glib and perhaps it is.. but when you are in agony because the child/ren that you desperately want do not easily appear you are willing to dream up any alternative reality.
And those internal dramas are multiple within the relationship. Suddenly it’s the two of you questioning if you are right for each other if kids don’t appear with ease. Or if in our case, my partner had to work out if I was right for him when kids might not factor in. Could he be happy with me if kids were not possible?
Fortunately for me, he was keen to commit and here we are. Now a family after a successful first IVF round. Note that was with a donor egg. Which I am aware is very different from a non donor egg IVF cycle.
What Peace Looks Like
I want to explain a little about what peace looks like. If you are undergoing IVF and don’t feel a sense of peace, I want to suggest that you might need to explore the strong emotions that you have.
Peace to me looks like: feeling happy when I see a newborn or young infant with it’s mother and/or father; smiling with genuine pleasure when I see a pregnant woman as I know I will have that swell of new life within me one day soon; feeling okay and frequently great when I meet up with friends who have a young family when I desire the same.
The opposite of peace feels like any of these strong emotions when you see or experience a pregnant woman/ newborn/ child/ren/ family. Anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, shame, feeling unjust or that it’s unfair. Denial is a tricky because you might find that you feel fine, and underneath there’s a pinch of pain that you don’t yet have that baby in your arms (or belly).
Are You Struggling?
(Source: pixabay)
So if you are struggling to get pregnant, I’m going to be blunt here. How does this picture of a pregnant woman make you feel? Are you completely okay with it? And with the below gorgeous pic of a newborn?
Before I did a lot of my internal work, I felt a lot of stress and discomfort seeing someone with a family. Be that an old school friend or current friends. It seemed as though everyone but me had no issues finding a soulmate and building a family. It was the easiest thing in the world. Although it wasn’t an easy path, I didn’t want to just settle with any guy. I wanted the man that would make my heart sing and who would adore me. Also, I wasn’t willing to go it alone. So quite a few things had to come into play for this picture to unfold for me.
Prior to doing any internal work, looking at these photos was painful for me. Today, they make me excited for my potential future.
(Source: pixabay)
So if you’re not okay with looking at photos of pregnant women or newborns, then I would suggest that you probably have some soul searching to do. Dive deep into yourself and find out what is blocking you emotionally. I discovered that I have to be okay with IVF not working because there is a chance that it just might not.
Have you got a baby with allergies? My first, Miss J, has been an allergy bubs and it’s been a challenging journey. And I believe we have it easy compared to some other families.
For a first time mum it’s often hard to know who to listen to, allergies or otherwise. My doula said something import to me in the days following birth. ‘Everyone is going to have an opinion on how you mother. Listen to your gut and do what’s right for you and your baby’. Oh how true this has turned out to be.
From about 2 weeks old, Miss J broke out in infant acne. It’s really tough to watch your gorgeous newborn having perfect gorgeous skin to teenage skin over a matter of days. You just want that perfect baby skin to re-appear, which it did/does eventually but it was challenging.
Anyone Say Colic?
Around six weeks old we found ourselves with a baby that would best be described as ‘colicky’. I don’t even know if I believe that ‘colic’ is really a thing. I know that I might get some backs up with that statement but colic seems a convenient title for “we don’t know what’s really wrong”.
Witching hour was really a thing. Soon the only way she would go to sleep was being bounced on a fit ball – by me and me alone.
My partner was the one who picked up that if I ate dairy it seemed to make her worse. How he cottoned on I’m still not really sure, but as I had not really had a huge affinity with dairy (apart from during pregnancy), it wasn’t a big deal to cut it out of my diet. We saw rapid improvements in her behaviour with this small change.
Skin Woes Continue
Around 3 months, once the acne had disappeared, eczema decided to pay a lingering visit to Miss J. While it’s clearly not dangerous, once again it’s unpleasant and at times can get infected. Infection means a round of antibiotics which we would to avoid.
When a child has eczema, then they are also at risk of also having allergies and eczema. No one can really tell me why, although you often get told “it’s genetic”.
Miss J’s cheeks and backs of her knees seemed to be the only areas that were a problem. A GP confirmed eczema and were told some fairly standard methods of keeping her skin moist and using steroids when need be. We elected to avoid steroids as much as possible.
New Rituals
So began our moisturising ritual. Every nappy change I would heavily moisturise her legs. We scaled back to 1 bath a week and would top and tail when required between baths. I believe due to this routine we were able to keep the eczema mostly at bay.
Doctors have said to me that diet has nothing to do with eczema. Really? I’ve witnessed the change to her skin when we added or removed things from her diet. Nothing else varied, so subjectively I can say that food does have an impact. I’ve heard plenty of other mums who will agree with this from their own experience.
Starting Solids
We chose to not begin solids until 6 months. It was a decision I felt quite torn about. There are so many different viewpoints about solids, in the same way that there are about a million different ideas on sleeping (which I’m still debating whether to share a blog post about or not). How do you start, what do you start with, when do you start? The choices are endless. Then of course if you make a mistake – for example not offering your child the allergens in the 4-7 month window – then you are likely causing them to have allergies. The decision really messed with my head. It was almost a case of my indecisiveness that actually delayed us until 6 months, and now that we are well past that I don’t regret it.
Testing Foods
Our child has ended up having multiple allergies and I don’t believe that we caused them by waiting to feed her solids. It may not be a popular view (which is kind of irrelevant) but I believe that her skin issues AND her food allergies are related and that her gut needs time to heal.
How did we discover the food allergies? Well we were following the thinking of testing key allergens to make sure that she didn’t have any allergies. We started with egg yolk and that seemed just fine after about 6 tastes.
Next we moved onto egg white. On the day that she actually ingested approximately 1/8 teaspoon of egg white, an hour or two later Miss J had a massive vomit in her cot. Then she vomited all over me. She had a milk feed and then brought that all back up again. Off to the hospital we went. After an hour or two at hospital we were told that she might have a UTI (we needed to collect an non contaminated wee sample to test for sure), she might have gastro or it might be an egg allergy, we can’t be sure. So go home and get the wee sample and go and see an allergist to be safe as well. Surprise surprise the wee sample never happened.
Allergy Testing
We were fortunate to be able to get a cancellation at an allergist fairly quickly. So at around 8 months Miss J went in for skin prick testing (SPT). Basically they prick the skin and put a small amount of the allergen into the hole and see what happens. If the skin comes up in a hive (a small raised lump) of more than a certain amount (3mm I believe) then it is considered an IgE allergy and there is a risk of anaphylaxis. Miss J came up positive to dairy, egg, peanuts, tree nuts and sesame. It’s a long list and doesn’t leave much in the choices of fat in her diet.
As she was only 8 months old, Miss J was still being breastfed. The allergist suggested that apart from tahini (which had definitely caused a reaction through my milk) that I could eat any of the allergens and it wouldn’t have an impact on my child. Meanwhile Miss J was not allowed to ingest any of these products for a year until we could re-test and see if she had ‘outgrown her allergies’. I have an issue with the term ‘outgrowing’ in regards to allergies. It is not a scientific answer for why a child suddenly doesn’t have something like an allergy or eczema. Again, I believe there is something more at work in the body that is not necessarily understood (yet) by medical science.
Vegans Who Eat Meat
We decided that I would steer clear of Miss J’s allergens at least as long as I was breastfeeding her. So both of us became vegans – who eat meat (sorry for any vegans that I offend with this statement). Although Miss J didn’t have an issue with wheat – in fact the Allergist recommended we include it in her diet – we definitely noticed a flare up of her eczema when it was regularly included in either her or my diet. So wheat was cut too.
At around 11 months old Miss J had a huge flare up of her eczema on her face, in particular her chin which got infected. So onto a round of antibiotics. The chin cleared up, and then the following week she got her a fever and was sick for the first time in her life. Nothing that any parent hasn’t been through, but going through it for the first time for all of us was a bit of a shock.
Weight Plateau
Around the same time, Miss J’s stopped putting on weight. The scales would go up a bit, and then back right off to where we were the previous month. She wasn’t losing weight as such, it’s just that the scales were not climbing. It is scary when your little infant is not gaining weight. They should be growing and staying plump and juicy like all the other babies. Without the fat in dairy and nuts, and also no eggs we were relying on olive oil, coconut oil, coconut cream and coconut yogurt to try and add some bulk. We had been warned against the risk of cross contamination with coconut products. Frankly we felt that we had to try and add more fat to her diet so we would take a feed and watch carefully approach. We also had a blood test done to be sure that we had crossed our t’s and dotted our i’s. And still no firm answers.
Allergies, Skin and Gut Healing
Miss J’s skin is currently the best it’s ever been. I don’t want to jump the gun but it’s amazing. She has a couple of rough patches as we head into winter. Her ankles flare up and get itchy every now and then. She also has dry cheeks at the moment. Apart from that her skin is great. And after months of fretting she finally weighs over 9 kgs! She is starting to feel heavy when we pick her up.
I believe that when the body is in crisis, it expends it’s energy on healing. So it can’t focus on gaining weight/growth to the same degree a healthy body can. My daughter’s gut (I believe her liver specifically) was working on healing. And probably is not quite out of the woods yet.
It will be interesting to see how her next round of allergy testing goes. I’m sure plenty of people say – yeah yeah they grow out of things like dairy and egg allergies, so it should be fine. I’m quietly hoping that she will also heal from the nut allergies. With a bit of luck – and some healing – I hope to be able to post that yes she has outgrown/healed from all her allergies. Fingers crossed.
For the source that I believe has the answers on eczema and gut health check this out. In the meantime we will continue to focus on healing, We hope to have bubs to full health very soon.
Failing IVF is painful. Being unsuccessful after all the effort you put in really sucks. Even the words, failure, failed, failing all make me feel depressed. I’m sure that you’ve either heard of or are someone who has had a failed cycle. Or perhaps even worse, you didn’t find out until years later because they didn’t want to talk about it. Three weeks ago, I was a confident (read cocky) donor egg recipient who was sure that I had done “all the work” and that this, my second round, would surely be as successful as my first. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be the case.
We had a failed transfer. A failed FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer.
Preparation
Everything looked good. My lining was a lovely 9.3mm, my oestrogen levels were perfectly fine at around 200 whatever the measurement is, and the embryo was a healthy ‘extended blastocycst’. Additionally, I did everything that my clinic suggested, same as last time and acupuncture to boot. I didn’t expect we would fail. But we did. That little embryo didn’t stick to my lining.
A blastocyst - "An embryo which has developed to the point of having 2 different cell components and a fluid cavity"
(Source Advanced Fertility
It’s disappointing to say the least. At first I was “gutted”. Devastated is going too far, as I already have a 17 month old, Miss J. But despite having my gorgeous little one, I want a sibling for her. I want her to grow up with someone she can play with, and just as importantly have someone her age around when my partner and I no longer are. I know it’s a morbid thing to think, yet that would likely be the reality if she ends up an only child.
I’m not sure when I decided that it’s all my fault, but somewhere between resting in bed, giving implantation it’s best shot, and having my first blood test, it became my fault. This failure was my doing. My fault that this baby didn’t stick and that the months of preparation somehow weren’t enough.
Perhaps really, though, the embryo wasn’t ready. Perhaps there was some issue that the embryologist could never have known was there, despite the good growth of that extended blastocyst. That’s even better than a blastocyst.
We Will Never Know Why We Failed
Whatever it was that wasn’t right, I will never know. My partner will never know. The clinic, they also don’t know. I guess that’s why it really is a miracle despite human intervention. The perfect conditions can be created and still baby doesn’t take and the pregnancy doesn’t eventuate.
So after “gutted” and disappointed, then I wondered if I was actually going through stages of grief for our IVF failure. Even though baby hadn’t yet become a baby I was pretty (read very) attached to the outcome. For several hours, maybe a day, I was in denial. Surely the first test was wrong and the next one would prove right. However my emotions didn’t morph into anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (source, grief.com). Or maybe I’ve just jumped straight to acceptance. Now I’ve rapidly found myself in place where I want to invest more in myself (for now).
Investing in Me. Failure Leads To More Self Discovery
Over the past 2 years I’ve been at least 90% focused on my baby girl. Providing a safe, nurturing environment in utero, and then the best I could provide since birth. The usual sleep deprivation and working it out that a first time parent suffers through. All the questioning myself, feeling judged by other people/mums/parents for my choices – let’s not even get started on the different perspectives around baby’s sleep. Adding to the challenges, Miss J’s multiple food allergies and her strong, assertive will.
All of this has meant that I haven’t given much back to myself. I’ve certainly tried to many times. I’ve re-started yoga, I’ve attempted to kick start meditation again, I’ve had massages, gone back to the pool, had acupuncture (admittedly with a second child in mind), carved out a little time for myself here and there. But overall, I’ve given more of myself to this little person and our family and keeping things ticking over and not saved much for me. Now that Miss J is more self sufficient, happy to be at day care, and loving spending time with her Papa, it’s time for me to make space for me.
As you can see, I’m blogging again, I’ve booked in my yoga time, swim times and building in meditation time is next on my list. And writing this here makes me accountable to myself to not only book those activities in, but to get myself into them. I am hopeful that when the time comes to take on the next cycle my internal battery will be fully charged and I’ll be ready for another 2 years of intense baby building and supporting. So the emotion I’ve settled back to is hope. Hope for another chance with another potential baby and if that doesn’t eventuate, knowing that I’m still okay with me.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve had a failed IVF cycle, I understand what you’ve been through/are going through. It’s so tough when you don’t have anything to show for your grief. When you put yourself through months of intense drugs and come out the other side having withdrawal symptoms and no pregnancy that was so hoped for. I hear your pain and suffering and want you to know that it is devastating. You have a right to grieve and weep and be angry and have whatever emotions you have about it. And beyond those emotions there can be hope and happiness and peace. It may take time but those emotions do exist for you. Feel what you are feeling and know that you are not alone. Much love x
You are probably wondering what has worthiness got to do with fertility? For me, it has everything to do with it. Have you been working on improving yourself? I have and I discovered that some issues keep coming up time and again.
Issues Repeating Themselves
I know for me, the issue that came up over and over again was about worthiness. Somewhere along the path of my life (it usually happens during childhood) I made a(n unconscious) decision that I was not worthy. For those that have never dealt with the challenge of worthiness, you are possibly thinking, are you crazy? However, these types of unconsciousbeliefs occur at critical moments in our development. For example when you are 4 years old and a new sibling appears to take over your role as the ‘youngest child’. Somehow through this experience I took on a belief that I wasn’t worthy. Not worthy of love, not worthy of the things I desire, not worthy of many things. One pivotal moment that you then find yourself adding layer upon layer of unhelpful, negative beliefs to your psyche.
Negative Beliefs and My Fertility
I had a belief, a negative one, that I wasn’t worthy and it had a lot of legs, and arms, and tentacles all over the place. When I first began my internal exploration as to why my life wasn’t where I wanted it to be, worthiness was the first thing to pop up. And of course, it was my fertility, or lack thereof, that was driving me to understand myself and improve my health. I desperately wanted to resolve my fertility and questioned my worthiness because my ovaries had gone into shutdown. Sometimes when people work on getting healthy, they forget how important their internal health and mental state is. So through this process of disentangling my beliefs I came to understand that for me, worthiness was, and is, a key driver in the way that I view the world and live my life.
Moving Towards Owning My Worthiness
So while I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant and in the happiest relationship of my life, I know that it is possible that worthiness may continue to crop up as an issue for me. I say ‘moving towards’ owning my worthiness because it’s a work in progress. I may never, ever, be fertile in the way that some women seem to get pregnant through touching a man. However, when it comes down to it, having a child and being a mother is really what I want out of my fertility. I can live with having sleeping ovaries. I can live with having to take medication for as long as necessary. What I could not live without was having a child in my life.
Finding the Support You Need
So if you are going through something similar, maybe PCOS, or endo, or something else not being ‘quite right’ with your reproductive systems, I want you to know that you are not alone. That there is support out there for you. See a therapist, see a counsellor, heck contact me and I’ll happily support you! The sooner you identify your key issue, the sooner you can begin processing the emotions that are keeping you spinning in circles. From my experience, doing so will allow you to move beyond the tears and frustration and everything else in between. Whether you are trying naturally, using IVF or even deciding that adoption or fostering is for you. There are choices and the biggest one to start with is looking out for your emotional well-being.
It seems to me that as things have sped up, with amazing technology available, there’s a new condition going around. There is a distinct lack of patience, and I know all about it being impatient!
UTW – Unwilling To Wait
It’s not everybody by any stretch of the imagination, however it seems to affect a lot of people. I’m talking about pedestrians that have to make a mad dash across the street in front of my car. Even when there are zero cars behind me. Or the person who pushes in front of everyone to get on the train before anyone else can get off. Or it might be the customer who must queue-jump at the cafe, because they have an important meeting to go to. Call me old fashioned yet what ever happened to being polite and taking care of other people?
Has our hyper connection to the rest of humanity via our devices and wifi switched off the part of our brain that realizes we have time? That is aware that we are here in relationship to other people. That while we might feel at the centre of our own universes, kindness towards others is a win/win situation. We do have time to stop and make space for others. Crossing the street, or in a queue, or wherever, we are always free to give a little before we receive.
Journey to Pregnancy
When I think about my journey to pregnancy, I was definitely in this category of ‘unwilling to wait’. I wasn’t patient with my body and the emotions I had to process to reach a place of peace and acceptance of the hand I’d been dealt. There was no logical reason for my condition and I railed against my diagnosis and the doctors who insisted that there was and that I should just deal with it. I wanted my body to miraculously recover and just get on with the job of ovulating and menstruating as per the earlier routine. Unfortunately my body had different ideas and now that I’m on the other side of the journey, I appreciate the challenges I had to face to get to where I am now.
If you are struggling with not ovulating, or ‘unknown infertility’ or some other diagnosis, I’m sure that is the last thing you want to hear. The insinuation that you have to appreciate your situation. From my experience however, patience and acceptance are the path towards emotional healing and peace. Once you find that place of peace everything gets easier. For me, meeting my life partner and now falling pregnant are the outcomes of finding that internal place of peace. I believe everyone can have that, even if the outcome might look different for you.
Patience in Pregnancy
Now that I’m pregnant – almost 27 weeks as I type – I have to learn patience again in a new way. This bun has to cook before it leaves the oven of my belly. I have to be patient with my body as it adjusts to the new life growing inside of me. My pre-pregnancy energy does not match my current energy state and I simply can’t do what I use to. I can’t rush this thing, nor can I demand for baby to arrive sooner than when the time is right.
So in all of this, I’m sure that the little one growing inside of me is teaching me many lessons including the lesson of patience.
Stress is a normal response to pressure about difficult and sometimes life threatening situations. Humans are wired to respond to dangerous situations by releasing hormones from the adrenal glands. You know that feeling you get when something scares you and the rush of energy surges through your body so you can jump into action and either take on the threat (fight) or flee from the scene (flight).
Adrenal glands sit on top of the kidneys. Triangular in shape, they are only as big as a walnut yet these little glands pack some serious punch, secreting almost 50 different hormones!
In our modern day society it is highly unusual to be under regular stress from lions or wild animals chasing us. Our bodies, however, are programmed to respond in the same way to any intense or stressful situation. A little bit of stress is fine and increases energy and alertness meaning that we have resources to cope with the situation. Frequently, however, the stresses of modern life can chronically run over long periods of time and the impact it has on your body and your life can be huge.
Impact on your Fertility
Stress and anxiety can have a major impact on your fertility. It’s logical when you think about it. Those hormones that your adrenals are secreting? They can block other key sex hormones. So effectively leaving you not only stressed about your daily life, but struggling with your fertility as well!
It’s logical when you think about it. If you are running away from that wild animal, it’s not helpful to be gestating a baby. That baby, while surely wonderful, is likely to slow you down, not help you get away from a hungry lion. Thus the body is going to aim for your survival first and foremost. Kind of like the airplane oxygen mask instruction airlines give before takeoff.
Ways to come down from stress?
Ideally you want your parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Why? Because this is responsible for the ‘rest and digest’ functions of your body.
If possible, and I know it might not be, change your work.
When you can’t change your work or job, look at your lifestyle. Look closely and be honest with yourself. Smoking, drinking too much alcohol, doing anything that ‘numbs’ you is unlikely to be really helping. Make some changes and you put your body in a much better position to get well.
Get more sleep! Sleep is a natural healer. If you can get regular hours, you will start to feel better.
Start moving your body! Exercise will improve your sleep and overall you will feel better.
Go outside every day, in nature, if you can.
Get a massage or bodywork.
Have fun! Life is meant to be fun not misery.
Find things to appreciate every single day! They are there, and one day you might not have them, so notice them today.
Because it takes time and persistence to bring your body down from ongoing stress, be patient with yourself. If you have any major physical concerns, be sure to go and see your doctor.
In an earlier post I wrote about the year my fertility challenges began. That was when I was 24 and I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, a.k.a dormant ovaries. At 24 years old I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. There were so many other things I was busy doing and being, besides I had not met ‘Mr Right’. I’m aware that there are plenty of single mums out there doing amazing things – hats off to you! – I only knew that wasn’t a path that I was willing or able to take on my own.
It took me a long time to make peace with the ‘no eggs’ part. In fact, I can safely say that it was many years before I was willing to own that statement. Today I can talk about it without a trace of pain or suffering. Back then, I would be in tears even thinking about it. I mean how could you go for almost 12 years being very regular and predictable to being told that you have no more eggs, too bad, get over it! No one could tell me why and that jarred. There were so many questions that couldn’t be answered. Why did my ovaries give up? Couldn’t they start back up again, like I believed that they could? Why couldn’t I be ‘fixed’?
One of the more challenging parts was the ‘get over it’ bit. Doctors who said “just get egg donation, you’re still young, you’ll be fine”. They didn’t seem to know how to handle the emotions that were roaring at the idea that my body was not behaving as I thought it should. Nor did they seem to want to. I was put into a box of requiring egg donation, your only option, and that was that.
I dutifully went to see a psychotherapist as I was told to. She was great however what really came into focus during those sessions were the elements of my life that weren’t working, which had nothing to do with my cycle or lack thereof.
Acceptance of my body’s inability to reproduce
At that stage we did not work through the subject of using donated eggs. That in and of itself is a huge topic, worthy of its own blog post. To put it simply, it took years and years for me to gain acceptance of the fact that biologically I will never reproduce a mini-me. My genes won’t get passed on and if I want any children it has to happen with help.
It took a lot of self-analysis, introspection, and bucket loads of emotional ‘work’ to get to the place where it no longer mattered what my body could or couldn’t do naturally. I credit kinesiology for helping me to let go of my strangle-hold on “the way I thought it should be”.
What really matters to me now is the opportunity to be a mother and parent along with a man that I adore. Who came into my life when I believe I was really ready for him.
My message for women going through IVF
If only one woman who is going through multiple cycles of IVF reads this and is impacted than I will be pleased. If that is you, I want to give you this message. Please be willing to look into your emotional state and dive deep. Be willing to brave your demons and explore how you feel about what you are going through. How you feel about your body letting you down when you always thought that reproduction was your birthright.
There are people out there wanting to support you in a way that the clinic you are going to cannot. See a kinesiologist, see a counsellor, see a psychotherapist, anyone who can help you dig through your emotional state to find balance.
Today, I only just squeak into the under 40’s range at 39. The reported live birth success rate for 40-45 year old women is 6%. I’m not sure if any of these stats take into account women attempting to use their own eggs or donated eggs, it’s not very clear. I received donated eggs and can happily say that after all the struggle and challenges I’ve been through, I am pregnant from my first IVF cycle.
I can assume you that without the emotional work and processing that I did, I would not be here writing this as I prepare to be a mother late this year.
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