Have you been through the emotional toll of IVF? If so you will likely relate to what I’m saying. The emotional toll is where the burden really lies for parents-to-be in the world of infertility and IVF. Although the linked article is a little outdated, I believe research would continue to show the same thing.
“ONE in five couples who give up fertility treatment do so because of the psychological and physical burden of the process, rather than the expense, according to a major study of assisted reproductive technology.” (Source: Sydney Morning Herald)
The Path To Emotional Peace
If you are currently undergoing an IVF cycle, you may not want to hear this. My partner and I decided that to even consider IVF at all we had to be okay with it not working. We had to accept that even if it didn’t work we would still be strong as a couple and continue to love and support each other. No matter the outcome. This is accepting and working through the emotional toll of IVF.
Being 100% okay with whatever happens. If you want a girl and you get a boy or vice versa. Or if you – I sincerely hope not- have a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. I believe you have to be completely okay with that. What do I mean? Of course you will grieve. Of course you may struggle to get through days after such as experience. I’m not meaning to suggest that you wouldn’t have an intense emotional response. Being completely okay means that you accept the situation and are okay with it. You are not dragged to the depths of despair because you didn’t get a healthy child via your IVF cycle. You went in with eyes wide open and knew that there was a possibility that it wouldn’t work.
In many respects it was a lot more challenging for my partner to accept that having children was not going to be a walk in the park. Long before we considered IVF together, he had to make peace with the awareness that choosing me as a partner meant there was a possibility there would be no children in our lives. And he had to be 100% okay with that. I had known about my fertility challenges for a long time (12 years). I had a lot of time to move towards acceptance.
Working Through Emotions
When you find out that you can’t conceive naturally there are a ton of emotions to deal with. Obviously everyone is different but for me the emotions ranged from denial, anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and resentment. I questioned my worthiness, I questioned why I had survived major brain surgery and if this was the price to pay for my survival. I railed against the people who dropped babies like rain falling from the sky. It felt so damn unfair!
I was told to go and get counselling and that was where I started. Over the decade that followed I began to explore personal development. I wanted to understand why I was here if pro-creation wasn’t the natural order for me. I had to come up with a purpose, when being a mum might not happen for me. It was really tough. Don’t let my glib words fool you into thinking it was easy. There were some really rough days and intense sessions where I had to dig deep within myself. I’m still not completely sure of my purpose!
Soul Searching
I spent a lot of time soul searching and defining what a life of purpose would look like, even if I didn’t find the man of my dreams (that’s another blog post!) or create the family that I desired. Especially as so much of what I believed success in our modern world was defined by. I saw a nuclear family as the definition of success and happiness. It might not be what other people define as successful, but it’s been my biggest dream to be a mum (and have a life partner to share that journey with).
Over the course of many years I did make peace with these negative emotions. It doesn’t need to take as long as I took. However, I am not one to take the easy route. Perhaps that’s because I make life hard for myself. But as you will see below I wasn’t interested in choosing a partner that was just alright. And I wasn’t willing to go it alone – as you can tell from this blog post here.
Give Yourself Space
The point of this post is to suggest that you give yourself time. Even if your biological clock is ticking, I believe uncovering and healing any repressed emotions is crucial. Ideally before you begin a cycle. I believe doing this work is essential to being the best parent that you can be. Otherwise if you are holding onto a huge amount of repressed emotions you are going to pass them onto your children. Children are sieves and pick up everything, consciously or not from you. Although we can never completely heal everything in our past, we can surely be the best possible versions of ourselves. That, to me, means whittling away the strong negative reactions we have to past events in our lives. These reactions often shape our behaviour in the present, often without us even knowing it.
Additionally, there are so many emotions wrapped around what is considered our birth right. To pro-create, to have babies, to pass on our genes. Shouldn’t that be the easiest thing in the world? And it doesn’t help when well-meaning family and friends ask “when will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?”. Like, c’mon, do you think we haven’t considered this, or perhaps we just don’t want children. If you really DO want children it is insensitive and adds to the pressure that you feel.
There is so much hope tied up in fertility treatment. So much that you have zero control over. I had a failed cycle where everything was seemingly perfect -embryo, my lining, my oestrogen levels. It should have all worked perfectly. And it didn’t. For whatever reason the timing wasn’t right for baby. It’s really not my choice, it’s up to the child coming through to select its perfect time.
The Child Chooses
I believe that your child chooses the time to come through. We might think that we have complete control but really, life is the miracle so many religions say it is. Even the best IVF clinic can only set the scene to a certain extent. It’s still up to that little embryo to implant and grow, grow, grow. And so for me, I made peace with that little embryo deciding that the time wasn’t right. Perhaps this little one wants a different birthday to the one that we had chosen. Accepting and surrendering is how I find peace.
Being An IVF Couple
There is a HUGE toll for any person or couple undergoing IVF that other people don’t really understand. If they haven’t experienced it, there can be little empathy and often zero understanding of the pain and heartache involved. For women that have gotten pregnant at the drop of a hat, maybe they can’t understand what all the drama is about.
The drama is that you can’t have this thing that so many other people seem to take for granted. You grow up taking it for granted: I can be a mother/father. You spend teenage years avoiding it like the plague. And then years wondering what your life would have been like if you had gotten pregnant as a teenager. That may sound glib and perhaps it is.. but when you are in agony because the child/ren that you desperately want do not easily appear you are willing to dream up any alternative reality.
And those internal dramas are multiple within the relationship. Suddenly it’s the two of you questioning if you are right for each other if kids don’t appear with ease. Or if in our case, my partner had to work out if I was right for him when kids might not factor in. Could he be happy with me if kids were not possible?
Fortunately for me, he was keen to commit and here we are. Now a family after a successful first IVF round. Note that was with a donor egg. Which I am aware is very different from a non donor egg IVF cycle.
What Peace Looks Like
I want to explain a little about what peace looks like. If you are undergoing IVF and don’t feel a sense of peace, I want to suggest that you might need to explore the strong emotions that you have.
Peace to me looks like: feeling happy when I see a newborn or young infant with it’s mother and/or father; smiling with genuine pleasure when I see a pregnant woman as I know I will have that swell of new life within me one day soon; feeling okay and frequently great when I meet up with friends who have a young family when I desire the same.
The opposite of peace feels like any of these strong emotions when you see or experience a pregnant woman/ newborn/ child/ren/ family. Anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, shame, feeling unjust or that it’s unfair. Denial is a tricky because you might find that you feel fine, and underneath there’s a pinch of pain that you don’t yet have that baby in your arms (or belly).
Are You Struggling?
So if you are struggling to get pregnant, I’m going to be blunt here. How does this picture of a pregnant woman make you feel? Are you completely okay with it? And with the below gorgeous pic of a newborn?
Before I did a lot of my internal work, I felt a lot of stress and discomfort seeing someone with a family. Be that an old school friend or current friends. It seemed as though everyone but me had no issues finding a soulmate and building a family. It was the easiest thing in the world. Although it wasn’t an easy path, I didn’t want to just settle with any guy. I wanted the man that would make my heart sing and who would adore me. Also, I wasn’t willing to go it alone. So quite a few things had to come into play for this picture to unfold for me.
Prior to doing any internal work, looking at these photos was painful for me. Today, they make me excited for my potential future.
So if you’re not okay with looking at photos of pregnant women or newborns, then I would suggest that you probably have some soul searching to do. Dive deep into yourself and find out what is blocking you emotionally. I discovered that I have to be okay with IVF not working because there is a chance that it just might not.