Recently, I’ve been hearing about women who have big misconceptions about what IVF involves.
One person I spoke with said that before she met with a specialist, she thought that IVF would be one little needle every now and then and that was it for medications.
So in this post I want to give you an overview of what a basic IVF cycle or round looks like. I won’t go into the specifics but please know that it is a LOT more than just a little needle every now and then!
This overview doesn’t include anything additional and is just an overview to give you an idea of what to expect.
(Source: pixabay)
Step 1: Initial Appointments.
You will meet with your Fertility Specialist (FS). There may be multiple meetings during this step of the process. You will go through your medical history and anything relevant to your and your partner’s health. Together with the FS you will come up with a treatment plan, ask any questions that you have and complete any required paperwork.
Step 2: Your Treatment Starts.
You will be given lots of medications to take. Usually you are given a calendar or timeline to follow. For example during my first donor egg cycle I took 9 different medications/supplements over approximately a 3 month process. You or your partner will be taught how to give you any injections.
Step 3: Follicles Are Stimulated.
(If your own eggs are being used)
You will be given FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) to stimulate the growth of follicles – which contain immature eggs.
Step 4: Monitoring.
You will have blood tests and ultrasounds multiple times to measure your hormone levels and when applicable (if using your own eggs) to monitor the growth of your follicles.
Step 5: Trigger.
(If your own eggs are being used)
You will be given a Trigger Injection (HCG – human chorionic gonatrophin) to trigger ovulation – eggs to be released.
Step 6: Egg Collection/Retrieval (ER).
This occurs approx 36-38 hours after your Trigger. The retrieval process is fairly short – up to around 30 minutes – although you will likely be at the day surgery for 3-4 hours. Your partner gives their sperm sample for fertilisation at the same time. The sperm needs to be kept at body temperature.
Step 7: Egg Fertilisation.
The eggs are put into a special medium. The sperm is washed, separating it from the seminal fluid. In standard IVF the sperm and egg are put together in a dish to naturally fertilise. In ICSI – Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection – individual sperm is injected into an egg. You will usually be told how many eggs were retrieved.
Step 8: Monitoring.
The sperm and egg/s are placed into an incubator at 37C (body temperature) and checked regularly for fertilisation. Depending on your clinic’s protocols you will usually get a daily update – how many eggs fertilised initially, and then how many have grown into embryos. Expect these numbers to fall. They will be given between 3 and 6 days to grow before they are transferred.
Step 9: Transfer.
The embryo/s are transferred into your uterus with a catheter.
Step 10: Embryo Freeze.
Any excess viable embryos are frozen for the future. You will need to already have decided if you will freeze them individually or in multiples.
Step 11: Beta.
This is your pregnancy blood test. What you have been hoping and praying for. Approximately 2 weeks after Transfer. You will have your beta HCG tested to find out if you are pregnant.
Step 12: Repeat Betas.
To determine if your pregnancy is progressing you will have a number of beta blood tests to ensure that your HCG is rising. Normally it doubles every 2 to 3 days.
Step 13: Confirming Ultrasound.
Also called a Dating Scan. At around 7 weeks you usually have your first ultrasound where the radiologist is looking for a sac with a foetus, a heartbeat and to make sure the foetus is in your uterus.
(Source Advanced Fertility)
What Else To Expect
You can also expect some of the following:
It is likely that you will be emotional at times. This is you on a heap of meds and your hormonal rhythm will be massively impacted.
There is A LOT of waiting that you need to do. Find distractions. Make a decision whether or not you will use home tests during the Two Week Wait.
Ideally make peace with any outcome that may arise. No one has a crystal ball that can tell you whether you will or won’t be successful in any cycle. It’s really beyond our comprehension as there is more to life than just the physical nature of an egg and sperm. So the sooner you can make peace with whatever may be, the sooner you can go through any IVF cycle feeling balanced and peaceful and accepting what is.
Have you been through the emotional toll of IVF? If so you will likely relate to what I’m saying. The emotional toll is where the burden really lies for parents-to-be in the world of infertility and IVF. Although the linked article is a little outdated, I believe research would continue to show the same thing.
“ONE in five couples who give up fertility treatment do so because of the psychological and physical burden of the process, rather than the expense, according to a major study of assisted reproductive technology.” (Source: Sydney Morning Herald)
The Path To Emotional Peace
If you are currently undergoing an IVF cycle, you may not want to hear this. My partner and I decided that to even consider IVF at all we had to be okay with it not working. We had to accept that even if it didn’t work we would still be strong as a couple and continue to love and support each other. No matter the outcome. This is accepting and working through the emotional toll of IVF.
Being 100% okay with whatever happens. If you want a girl and you get a boy or vice versa. Or if you – I sincerely hope not- have a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. I believe you have to be completely okay with that. What do I mean? Of course you will grieve. Of course you may struggle to get through days after such as experience. I’m not meaning to suggest that you wouldn’t have an intense emotional response. Being completely okay means that you accept the situation and are okay with it. You are not dragged to the depths of despair because you didn’t get a healthy child via your IVF cycle. You went in with eyes wide open and knew that there was a possibility that it wouldn’t work.
In many respects it was a lot more challenging for my partner to accept that having children was not going to be a walk in the park. Long before we considered IVF together, he had to make peace with the awareness that choosing me as a partner meant there was a possibility there would be no children in our lives. And he had to be 100% okay with that. I had known about my fertility challenges for a long time (12 years). I had a lot of time to move towards acceptance.
Working Through Emotions
When you find out that you can’t conceive naturally there are a ton of emotions to deal with. Obviously everyone is different but for me the emotions ranged from denial, anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and resentment. I questioned my worthiness, I questioned why I had survived major brain surgery and if this was the price to pay for my survival. I railed against the people who dropped babies like rain falling from the sky. It felt so damn unfair!
I was told to go and get counselling and that was where I started. Over the decade that followed I began to explore personal development. I wanted to understand why I was here if pro-creation wasn’t the natural order for me. I had to come up with a purpose, when being a mum might not happen for me. It was really tough. Don’t let my glib words fool you into thinking it was easy. There were some really rough days and intense sessions where I had to dig deep within myself. I’m still not completely sure of my purpose!
Soul Searching
I spent a lot of time soul searching and defining what a life of purpose would look like, even if I didn’t find the man of my dreams (that’s another blog post!) or create the family that I desired. Especially as so much of what I believed success in our modern world was defined by. I saw a nuclear family as the definition of success and happiness. It might not be what other people define as successful, but it’s been my biggest dream to be a mum (and have a life partner to share that journey with).
Over the course of many years I did make peace with these negative emotions. It doesn’t need to take as long as I took. However, I am not one to take the easy route. Perhaps that’s because I make life hard for myself. But as you will see below I wasn’t interested in choosing a partner that was just alright. And I wasn’t willing to go it alone – as you can tell from this blog post here.
Give Yourself Space
The point of this post is to suggest that you give yourself time. Even if your biological clock is ticking, I believe uncovering and healing any repressed emotions is crucial. Ideally before you begin a cycle. I believe doing this work is essential to being the best parent that you can be. Otherwise if you are holding onto a huge amount of repressed emotions you are going to pass them onto your children. Children are sieves and pick up everything, consciously or not from you. Although we can never completely heal everything in our past, we can surely be the best possible versions of ourselves. That, to me, means whittling away the strong negative reactions we have to past events in our lives. These reactions often shape our behaviour in the present, often without us even knowing it.
Additionally, there are so many emotions wrapped around what is considered our birth right. To pro-create, to have babies, to pass on our genes. Shouldn’t that be the easiest thing in the world? And it doesn’t help when well-meaning family and friends ask “when will we hear the pitter patter of little feet?”. Like, c’mon, do you think we haven’t considered this, or perhaps we just don’t want children. If you really DO want children it is insensitive and adds to the pressure that you feel.
There is so much hope tied up in fertility treatment. So much that you have zero control over. I had a failed cycle where everything was seemingly perfect -embryo, my lining, my oestrogen levels. It should have all worked perfectly. And it didn’t. For whatever reason the timing wasn’t right for baby. It’s really not my choice, it’s up to the child coming through to select its perfect time.
The Child Chooses
I believe that your child chooses the time to come through. We might think that we have complete control but really, life is the miracle so many religions say it is. Even the best IVF clinic can only set the scene to a certain extent. It’s still up to that little embryo to implant and grow, grow, grow. And so for me, I made peace with that little embryo deciding that the time wasn’t right. Perhaps this little one wants a different birthday to the one that we had chosen. Accepting and surrendering is how I find peace.
Being An IVF Couple
There is a HUGE toll for any person or couple undergoing IVF that other people don’t really understand. If they haven’t experienced it, there can be little empathy and often zero understanding of the pain and heartache involved. For women that have gotten pregnant at the drop of a hat, maybe they can’t understand what all the drama is about.
The drama is that you can’t have this thing that so many other people seem to take for granted. You grow up taking it for granted: I can be a mother/father. You spend teenage years avoiding it like the plague. And then years wondering what your life would have been like if you had gotten pregnant as a teenager. That may sound glib and perhaps it is.. but when you are in agony because the child/ren that you desperately want do not easily appear you are willing to dream up any alternative reality.
And those internal dramas are multiple within the relationship. Suddenly it’s the two of you questioning if you are right for each other if kids don’t appear with ease. Or if in our case, my partner had to work out if I was right for him when kids might not factor in. Could he be happy with me if kids were not possible?
Fortunately for me, he was keen to commit and here we are. Now a family after a successful first IVF round. Note that was with a donor egg. Which I am aware is very different from a non donor egg IVF cycle.
What Peace Looks Like
I want to explain a little about what peace looks like. If you are undergoing IVF and don’t feel a sense of peace, I want to suggest that you might need to explore the strong emotions that you have.
Peace to me looks like: feeling happy when I see a newborn or young infant with it’s mother and/or father; smiling with genuine pleasure when I see a pregnant woman as I know I will have that swell of new life within me one day soon; feeling okay and frequently great when I meet up with friends who have a young family when I desire the same.
The opposite of peace feels like any of these strong emotions when you see or experience a pregnant woman/ newborn/ child/ren/ family. Anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, shame, feeling unjust or that it’s unfair. Denial is a tricky because you might find that you feel fine, and underneath there’s a pinch of pain that you don’t yet have that baby in your arms (or belly).
Are You Struggling?
(Source: pixabay)
So if you are struggling to get pregnant, I’m going to be blunt here. How does this picture of a pregnant woman make you feel? Are you completely okay with it? And with the below gorgeous pic of a newborn?
Before I did a lot of my internal work, I felt a lot of stress and discomfort seeing someone with a family. Be that an old school friend or current friends. It seemed as though everyone but me had no issues finding a soulmate and building a family. It was the easiest thing in the world. Although it wasn’t an easy path, I didn’t want to just settle with any guy. I wanted the man that would make my heart sing and who would adore me. Also, I wasn’t willing to go it alone. So quite a few things had to come into play for this picture to unfold for me.
Prior to doing any internal work, looking at these photos was painful for me. Today, they make me excited for my potential future.
(Source: pixabay)
So if you’re not okay with looking at photos of pregnant women or newborns, then I would suggest that you probably have some soul searching to do. Dive deep into yourself and find out what is blocking you emotionally. I discovered that I have to be okay with IVF not working because there is a chance that it just might not.
Failing IVF is painful. Being unsuccessful after all the effort you put in really sucks. Even the words, failure, failed, failing all make me feel depressed. I’m sure that you’ve either heard of or are someone who has had a failed cycle. Or perhaps even worse, you didn’t find out until years later because they didn’t want to talk about it. Three weeks ago, I was a confident (read cocky) donor egg recipient who was sure that I had done “all the work” and that this, my second round, would surely be as successful as my first. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be the case.
We had a failed transfer. A failed FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer.
Preparation
Everything looked good. My lining was a lovely 9.3mm, my oestrogen levels were perfectly fine at around 200 whatever the measurement is, and the embryo was a healthy ‘extended blastocycst’. Additionally, I did everything that my clinic suggested, same as last time and acupuncture to boot. I didn’t expect we would fail. But we did. That little embryo didn’t stick to my lining.
A blastocyst - "An embryo which has developed to the point of having 2 different cell components and a fluid cavity"
(Source Advanced Fertility
It’s disappointing to say the least. At first I was “gutted”. Devastated is going too far, as I already have a 17 month old, Miss J. But despite having my gorgeous little one, I want a sibling for her. I want her to grow up with someone she can play with, and just as importantly have someone her age around when my partner and I no longer are. I know it’s a morbid thing to think, yet that would likely be the reality if she ends up an only child.
I’m not sure when I decided that it’s all my fault, but somewhere between resting in bed, giving implantation it’s best shot, and having my first blood test, it became my fault. This failure was my doing. My fault that this baby didn’t stick and that the months of preparation somehow weren’t enough.
Perhaps really, though, the embryo wasn’t ready. Perhaps there was some issue that the embryologist could never have known was there, despite the good growth of that extended blastocyst. That’s even better than a blastocyst.
We Will Never Know Why We Failed
Whatever it was that wasn’t right, I will never know. My partner will never know. The clinic, they also don’t know. I guess that’s why it really is a miracle despite human intervention. The perfect conditions can be created and still baby doesn’t take and the pregnancy doesn’t eventuate.
So after “gutted” and disappointed, then I wondered if I was actually going through stages of grief for our IVF failure. Even though baby hadn’t yet become a baby I was pretty (read very) attached to the outcome. For several hours, maybe a day, I was in denial. Surely the first test was wrong and the next one would prove right. However my emotions didn’t morph into anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (source, grief.com). Or maybe I’ve just jumped straight to acceptance. Now I’ve rapidly found myself in place where I want to invest more in myself (for now).
Investing in Me. Failure Leads To More Self Discovery
Over the past 2 years I’ve been at least 90% focused on my baby girl. Providing a safe, nurturing environment in utero, and then the best I could provide since birth. The usual sleep deprivation and working it out that a first time parent suffers through. All the questioning myself, feeling judged by other people/mums/parents for my choices – let’s not even get started on the different perspectives around baby’s sleep. Adding to the challenges, Miss J’s multiple food allergies and her strong, assertive will.
All of this has meant that I haven’t given much back to myself. I’ve certainly tried to many times. I’ve re-started yoga, I’ve attempted to kick start meditation again, I’ve had massages, gone back to the pool, had acupuncture (admittedly with a second child in mind), carved out a little time for myself here and there. But overall, I’ve given more of myself to this little person and our family and keeping things ticking over and not saved much for me. Now that Miss J is more self sufficient, happy to be at day care, and loving spending time with her Papa, it’s time for me to make space for me.
As you can see, I’m blogging again, I’ve booked in my yoga time, swim times and building in meditation time is next on my list. And writing this here makes me accountable to myself to not only book those activities in, but to get myself into them. I am hopeful that when the time comes to take on the next cycle my internal battery will be fully charged and I’ll be ready for another 2 years of intense baby building and supporting. So the emotion I’ve settled back to is hope. Hope for another chance with another potential baby and if that doesn’t eventuate, knowing that I’m still okay with me.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve had a failed IVF cycle, I understand what you’ve been through/are going through. It’s so tough when you don’t have anything to show for your grief. When you put yourself through months of intense drugs and come out the other side having withdrawal symptoms and no pregnancy that was so hoped for. I hear your pain and suffering and want you to know that it is devastating. You have a right to grieve and weep and be angry and have whatever emotions you have about it. And beyond those emotions there can be hope and happiness and peace. It may take time but those emotions do exist for you. Feel what you are feeling and know that you are not alone. Much love x
In an earlier post I wrote about the year my fertility challenges began. That was when I was 24 and I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, a.k.a dormant ovaries. At 24 years old I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. There were so many other things I was busy doing and being, besides I had not met ‘Mr Right’. I’m aware that there are plenty of single mums out there doing amazing things – hats off to you! – I only knew that wasn’t a path that I was willing or able to take on my own.
It took me a long time to make peace with the ‘no eggs’ part. In fact, I can safely say that it was many years before I was willing to own that statement. Today I can talk about it without a trace of pain or suffering. Back then, I would be in tears even thinking about it. I mean how could you go for almost 12 years being very regular and predictable to being told that you have no more eggs, too bad, get over it! No one could tell me why and that jarred. There were so many questions that couldn’t be answered. Why did my ovaries give up? Couldn’t they start back up again, like I believed that they could? Why couldn’t I be ‘fixed’?
One of the more challenging parts was the ‘get over it’ bit. Doctors who said “just get egg donation, you’re still young, you’ll be fine”. They didn’t seem to know how to handle the emotions that were roaring at the idea that my body was not behaving as I thought it should. Nor did they seem to want to. I was put into a box of requiring egg donation, your only option, and that was that.
I dutifully went to see a psychotherapist as I was told to. She was great however what really came into focus during those sessions were the elements of my life that weren’t working, which had nothing to do with my cycle or lack thereof.
Acceptance of my body’s inability to reproduce
At that stage we did not work through the subject of using donated eggs. That in and of itself is a huge topic, worthy of its own blog post. To put it simply, it took years and years for me to gain acceptance of the fact that biologically I will never reproduce a mini-me. My genes won’t get passed on and if I want any children it has to happen with help.
It took a lot of self-analysis, introspection, and bucket loads of emotional ‘work’ to get to the place where it no longer mattered what my body could or couldn’t do naturally. I credit kinesiology for helping me to let go of my strangle-hold on “the way I thought it should be”.
What really matters to me now is the opportunity to be a mother and parent along with a man that I adore. Who came into my life when I believe I was really ready for him.
My message for women going through IVF
If only one woman who is going through multiple cycles of IVF reads this and is impacted than I will be pleased. If that is you, I want to give you this message. Please be willing to look into your emotional state and dive deep. Be willing to brave your demons and explore how you feel about what you are going through. How you feel about your body letting you down when you always thought that reproduction was your birthright.
There are people out there wanting to support you in a way that the clinic you are going to cannot. See a kinesiologist, see a counsellor, see a psychotherapist, anyone who can help you dig through your emotional state to find balance.
Today, I only just squeak into the under 40’s range at 39. The reported live birth success rate for 40-45 year old women is 6%. I’m not sure if any of these stats take into account women attempting to use their own eggs or donated eggs, it’s not very clear. I received donated eggs and can happily say that after all the struggle and challenges I’ve been through, I am pregnant from my first IVF cycle.
I can assume you that without the emotional work and processing that I did, I would not be here writing this as I prepare to be a mother late this year.
(Source 
